Welcome back to our 12 Steps to a New Job series, where we use the 12-Step model (completely secularized, we promise) to guide you through leaving academia.
I’m Kel Weinhold, productivity coach for The Professor Is In. I work with postdocs and academics at every stage of transition, and if you’re interested in talking through your options with me, you can always reach me at postac@theprofessorisin.com.
And, of course, each week on our free webinar, I’m joined by Dr. Karen Kelsky, founder of The Professor Is In and The Professor Is Out, who’s been helping academics both stay in and get out since 2011.
Below is the synopsis!
12 Steps to a New Job: Step 9 — Making Amends (To Others and Yourself)
Today we’re on Step 9 of our 12 Steps to a New Job series, where we adapt the AA framework into a secular, practical process for leaving a toxic job (or exploring something new). Step 9 in AA is “Made direct amends… wherever possible.” In our version:
Step 9 (Career Edition): Make amends for harms done to others and to yourself, and commit to living differently going forward.
This step isn’t about shame. It’s about closure and healing so you can leave with less baggage and enter your next role with stronger boundaries, clearer values, and a steadier center.
Why Step 9 matters in academia
Academia is a shame-based, hierarchical system. You’ve likely absorbed messages that your value is conditional, that you should accept bad treatment, and that your needs are “unprofessional.” That conditioning leads to harms:
- Harms of commission (things you did): piling unrealistic expectations on grad advisees; ghosting a collaborator; saying yes then disappearing; venting anger at the wrong target.
- Harms of omission (things you didn’t do): not protecting your health or finances; failing to advocate for yourself; staying silent when someone else was targeted.
Step 9 asks you to take responsibility where appropriate and, crucially, to repair the relationship with yourself.
Important: Step 9 is not about contacting abusers. If reaching out would cause harm (to them or to you), don’t. Your amends can be living amends—changing your behavior from now on.
The boundary truth you need to hear
Resentment is a boundary alarm.
By the time you feel white-hot resentment, the “raccoons” are already at your kitchen table eating your cereal. (Translation: people passed your gates (your time, inbox, evenings, weekends) because you didn’t close the door.) That’s not a moral failing; it’s a signal.
Step 9 means: I acknowledge where I let my boundaries be crossed, and I will live differently.
Two directions for amends
- Amends to others
- Acknowledge specific harm (no explanations, no “but”).
- Offer a concrete repair if it does not cause further harm (return data, finish a promised review, share credit correctly).
- If direct contact isn’t safe/appropriate, adopt a living amend: change your practice so it doesn’t recur.
- Amends to yourself
- Name where you abandoned your values (health, money, dignity, time, creativity).
- Restore what you can (doctor’s appointment, budget reset, protected writing time, therapy).
- Commit to boundary scripts and default policies that protect Future You.
Anger vs. resentment (and why both matter)
- Anger is healthy data: “A value was violated.” Feel it, name it, use it to set a boundary.
- Resentment is the build-up after repeated violations. Use it as a map to redesign your participation: fewer yeses, clearer “no for now,” and exit plans.
Scripts you can steal
- Clear No (authority-safe):
“I can’t take that on. I’m at capacity with X and Y. If priorities need to shift, I’m happy to discuss what drops.” - Boundary with student/advisee:
“I respond to email within two business days. For urgent issues, use the subject line ‘TIME-SENSITIVE.’” - Repair to a colleague:
“I committed to sharing the dataset by March and didn’t follow through. I’m sorry. Here is the folder and a one-page README. Going forward I won’t accept deadlines I can’t meet.” - Living amend (to self):
“I overrode my financial boundaries last year. I’m setting a monthly savings transfer today and booking a meeting with a fee-only advisor.”
Step 9: A focused, doable plan (this week)
- Values check (15 minutes).
List three core values (e.g., dignity, justice, health). Ask: Does my current behavior at work reflect these? Where not? - Amends map (30 minutes).
Make two columns: Others / Self.- Limit to 3 items each.
- For each, choose: direct amend, indirect amend, or living amend.
- Note the lowest-harm action and a due date.
- Boundary audit (20 minutes).
Where did time/energy leak? Identify one door to close (e.g., no meetings after 4pm; 24-hour email delay; remove your cell from syllabi). - Financial reset (20 minutes).
Academia trains financial shame. Your amend can be simple: pull your credit score, list recurring charges, cancel one, automate one payment that benefits Future You. - Accountability (10 minutes).
Tell one trusted person your one living amend for the month. Calendar a check-in.
How Step 9 helps you choose the next job better
When you practice amends and boundaries, you don’t need a mythic perfect workplace. You need clarity:
- You spot red flags earlier (e.g., chaotic offers, disrespect in emails).
- You tolerate less, faster.
- You negotiate from your values, not your fear.
Pro tip: If you ignored your inner “no” because you were scared or broke, that’s human. Step 9 doesn’t punish you for survival. It realigns you for the next decision.
What Step 9 is not
- It’s not groveling.
- It’s not reopening contact with unsafe people.
- It’s not a lifetime sentence for past mistakes. Your repair is the changed behavior you live now.
If you want help
If you’re ready to stop spinning and start moving, I’d love to talk. In a 30-minute consult I’ll:
- Mirror back your actual transferable skills,
- Pull example roles you can pursue now,
- Sketch your next three steps.
You’ll leave feeling clearer and lighter — not because I’m magical, but because you already have what you need. Step 9 just helps you stop abandoning yourself on the way to it.
This week’s takeaway
Choose one living amend. Put it on your calendar. Do it.
Then notice how much quieter your resentment gets when your boundaries start working for you.
Next up: Step 10 — Daily practice to keep the wheels on (so you don’t drift back into the old patterns).
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